Hey, mister, where you headed?
Are you in a hurry?
Need a lift to happy hour? Say "oh no"
Do you brake for distilled spirits?
I need a break as well
The well that inebriates the guilt
One, two, one, two, three, four!

Cold turkey's getting stale
Tonight, I'm eating crow
Fermented salmonella, poison oak, no
There's a drought at the fountain of youth
And I'm dehydrated
My tongue is swelling up, I say
"One, two, one, two, three, four!"

Troubled times
You know I cannot lie
I'm off the wagon, and I'm hitchin' a ride

There's a drought at the fountain of youth
And I'm dehydrated
My tongue is swelling up, I say... "Shit!"

Troubled times
You know I cannot lie
I'm off the wagon, and I'm hitchin' a ride

(Don't know where to go) Hitchin' a ride
(Don't know where to go) Hitchin' a ride
(Don't know where to go) Hitchin' a ride
(Don't know where to go) Hitchin' a ride
(Don't know where to go) Hitchin' a ride
(Don't know where to go) Hitchin' a ride
(Don't know where to go) Hitchin' a ride
(Say birthday boys, hey!)